


Who Knew?

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), Steven Universe: Future
Genre: Abuse is mild at most- but abuse is abuse and I’m gonna tag it, Angst, Depression?, Especially because he doesn’t have a character, Extremely Dubious Consent, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, I’m editing the tags because I want y’all to know this shit gets dark, Mental Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Non-Consensual Touching, Not Beta Read, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Pink Steven is OOC, Self Harm, Sounds like it’s all angst, Unhealthy Relationships, Warning: Shitty Writing, and it kinda is, but I’m actually using it for character study, fake gem-tech, first fic, idk - Freeform, in more than a few ways, inconsistent updates, it feels like depression, one-sided relationships, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:35:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21742306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: To some degree, Steven had always known he’d end up having to face himself in some form or another. Maybe he’d make peace with his gem half on some distant planet. Maybe he would be forced to address every problem he never wanted to think about, becoming undone in the process. Hell, White Diamond could un-change-her-mind and rip out his gem again. It wouldn’t surprise him.It didn’t matter. Steven knew it was bound to happen.When it does, he hadn’t been prepared for blatant refusal. A complete lack understanding. No small piece of a soul. An absolutely let-down.It all boiled down to one key flaw.Steven hadn’t realized it could be so much more complicated.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Pink!Steven/Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Crystal Gems
Comments: 73
Kudos: 410





	1. Chapter 1

“...ab Steven and run!”

Somebody was yelling. Through the dull ringing in his ears and washed out rumble of the surrounding environment, that much was clear.

“What about his-“

“Go! We don’t have time! We’ll deal with it later!”

His mind felt like putty, barely stringing the words together before crumbling back into nothing. A dull twist of his stomach told Steven something was terribly wrong. Something he feels too sick to humor.

When his body finally feels lighter than it had (he wonders why it felt heavy in the first place), Steven knows he’s being carried. He also knows one of the gems is running. And he especially knows that each step they take seems to jostle that terrible knot in his stomach and make him want to throw up. He tries, he really does, to tell whoever’s carrying him to stop running, but all that comes out is a loud, wet, wretch, ripping him from his state of semi-consciousness and into a scene he doubts anyone would be happy waking up to.  
He catches a glimpse of a dark, grey, fire injected sky, swarming with falling (flying?Its always hard to tell on these planets) debris. The ground is jagged and uneven, as if it had been under frequent assault.  
It also happened to be mobbed with a herd of gems engaged in combat.  
Really, it shouldn’t be anything impressive. Not compared to the things Steven has seen. But in that moment, it all felt surreal. If he succumbed to his headache and closed his eyes, he could pretend he wasn’t here at all. He was tempted to, actually.  
With another jostle of his body, Steven finds himself looking up at Pearl. When she peers down and meets his eyes, a wash of relief seems to ripple through her form, followed by a tight smile. Distantly, he feels her warm, motherly embrace stiffen around his center.

“Steven, you’re awake!”

“Pearl!” He gasps, daring to speak again. “Pearl, whats going on? Why are we running?” Just finishing the question makes Steven want to pass out.

“We don’t have time for that right now,” Pearl presses, a determined glare engulfing her delicate features. “It isn’t important. We need to make sure you’re safe.”

“What do you mean? Why aren’t I sa-“ a harsh lurch of his body interrupts him, forcing Steven to stretch up over Pearl’s shoulder and heave. Suddenly, that sick feeling seems to triple and Steven is rushed with the fact that it’s a painfully familiar feeling. The feathery nausea. The burning, freezing, feverish panting and sweating of a weakened body. The way that gravity seems to push down on him from all sides. And above all else- that complete, insufferable, emptiness. He lifts a wobbling arm to his stomach, forcing his strained eyes and shaking hands to lift up his shirt. It was like a punch to the gut. There’s blood rushing to his head and he nearly sobs when he sees that his gem is missing.

“My gem! Pearl! I-I-I need my- I _need_ -“

“Steven, calm down.” Pearl interrupts. Steven ignores the fact that a light tremble rolls through her arms in favor of the cold helplessness that seems to paralyze his entire body. “What you need is to breathe, okay? I’m going to find somewhere safe to put you down. You’ll be alright.”  
Really, he feels anything but alright. He feels incomplete. Light-headed. Panicked. He needs his gem. He needs strength. He needs to-  
A burst of questions rips through his trance. “Where’s Garnet? Amethyst? Where are they?”  
Pearl spins behind a large hunk of black rock, clutching Steven to her chest and worriedly looking over his body. “Don’t worry about them. They can handle themselves. We need to focus on you.” She puts him down then, gracefully laying him onto the... grass? It’s a dark, cool grey sort of plant. “How do you feel, Steven?”

“I’m fine,” he lies, desperately trying to sit up and grimacing when he only falls back down onto his stomach. “We need to help them! They could be hurt!” Pearl gently flips him back over, the movement having him screw his eyes shut.  
“Steven, you’re in no shape to run out there,” she chides. “Besides, we’ll only be here until the warp pad is cleared out.”

“What do you mean ‘cleared out’?” Steven chooses to focus on his own frustration instead of the compulsive shuddering of his body. In the back of his mind, he feels a bit dumb. _Childish_ even. He should know what’s going on. He shouldn’t be trembling behind a rock with Pearl when he can be out there, helping people. He can’t be a burden.  
The revelation has Steven taking a shaky breath. He stills his body and tries to do as Pearl said because now isn’t the time for panicking.Calm down. Breathe. He can’t be helpful to her if he can’t even breathe on his own. She places a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Steven wants to cry. To fold into her touch and find what he doesn’t have.  
He doesn’t cry, thankfully.  
He looks down at Pearls hand- bright white and warm (it doesn’t need to be, but it is) against him- and breathes out. He still doesn’t feel like himself, but...

He smiles, because at least he’s breathing.

“Pearl,” he tries again, his voice steady and patient and just the way it needs to be. He could do that. “What happened to my gem? Where are the others?”  
“You really don’t remember?”  
Steven stares blankly up at her worried face, frowning when she looks down at where his gem should be. Will be. Once this is over, he tells himself.  
“I suppose you must be in a bit of shock...” Pearl muses. “Do you remember the, uh, conference you were supposed to be attending? For one of the developing colonies?” He nods, thinking back to the fumbling Agate who requested the meeting. She had been nice. Uncertain and worrisome. But nice.  
“Well, we were... Interrupted. As soon as we arrived. A group of high ranking gems were waiting for us. They attacked you as soon as you stepped off of the warp pad.” Pearls voice hardened as she recounted the events. Her grip on his shoulder strengthened in a supportive manner and her distant glare sharpened to steel. Steven smiles a bit to himself, the faintest buzz of pride echoing in his core.  
“They-they hit you with something,” Pearl continues. “We think it was a rejuvenator of sorts, but it was too far off to tell. They surrounded you and the next thing we knew you were-“ Her breath stutters and she pauses, the faintest glimmer of repressed tears staining her oval eyes. “You were screaming... Of course, we wouldn’t just stand by and watch. We rushed in as soon as we realized what was going on and pulled you out. Garnet and Amethyst are clearing the area of those gems right now. I needed to make sure you were out of harms way.”

“Are you going to join them?” Steven asks after a few seconds, wincing at the odd desperation in his voice. If it weren’t for the fact that every little noise was sharp and oh-so-present, he might not have questioned if he always sounded like that. It reminded him of being younger. Eager to jump into the nearest trouble. Weak.

Pearl gives an uncomfortable laugh, quickly realizing what he wants ( _needs_ ) to do. “It’s alright, Steven. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” She repeats, tender and careful. Too careful, like he might break if she uses any other tone. Pearl doesn’t mention his physical state, as obvious as it is, and Steven is both thankful and rueful of the fact. Thankful because he can’t handle her wavering gaze and guilt ridden voice; rueful because it goes unspoken, leaving Steven to stir in his own thoughts on the matter. “We can wait here. I’ll watch you and you tell me how you feel, alright Steven? That’s all that matters to me.”

Steven sighs, pushing his fears to the back of his mind and doing his best to nod. When his eyes strain with the effort and his head feels like imploding, he settles with a choked, “Sure thing Pearl,” that dies in the back of his throat when it causes even worse pain. He really hates this.  
The longer he sits there, taking in the the loud clangs and crashes of a definite fight, the more claustrophobic he gets. He can feel Pearl looming over him, shadowed by the blackened stone. He feels every little spike of grass against his back, and pushing up into his sweating palms. Pearls gentle hand is suddenly too heavy for him to bare and her eyes too interested. It was like he was being smothered with hyper-awareness.  
Steven needs his gem. He tries, really tries, to ignore this fact, but the longer he lays down, body quaking and mind reeling, the more the thought comes up. It swarms him like a cloud of flies.  
“When are we getting my gem?” He asks a little too quickly and already knowing the answer. Pearl’s face is collapsing with another apology. Steven really didn’t need an apology. “Pearl, I need my gem,” he explained, a bite of hysteria creeping into his words. “We’re going to get it right?” Pearl hushes him, adopting the tone of a scolding mother.  
“Of course we are Steven,” she reassures him like he’s some sort of child. “We just have to be patient.”

Steven is thankful, so so so, thankful when Pearl’s attention is suddenly ripped to the battle behind them. He’s thankful that she isn’t looking at him like he’ll crumble at the slightest breeze. Instead, she’s peering out behind the rock, ready to summon her weapon if need be. When she doesn’t look back within fifteen seconds, Steven leans his head to the side to get a better look.

There’s a white light, nearly blinding, and Pearl suddenly retracts from the edge, jerking towards Steven in a panicked grab. He’s thrown from the ground and into her hold. There’s screaming off in the distance and Steven attempts to identify either Garnet or Amethyst’s voice within the chaos. There’s screaming until there isn’t. It dies, so suddenly that he thinks he might’ve started hearing things. Pearls rushed whispers of “oh my stars, oh my stars” are the only things that tell him it was real.

“What’s going on?” Steven keeps his voice steady and even, knowing somewhere in the back of his mind that he should be much more worried about much bigger things. But if he can’t help Pearl with his body, he’ll need to stay stable for her. Easy to manage.  
“Steven, listen closely,” Pearl straightens her back up against the stone. “Something is wrong with your gem.” Steven jolts at that, another onslaught of broken thoughts berating his defense. Was it cracked? It couldn’t be cracked. He couldn’t use if it was cracked. Was it shattered? “It’s dangerous. I need to get you out of here.”  
“What!? But I- I can’t leave it-“  
“I know that’s the last thing you want to do right now. But it isn’t safe,” Pearl explained, hooking an arm under his knees and another to his back. “We’re leaving.”  
The teenager falters, a million thoughts shooting through his head and all that comes out is, “I _can’t_!” He slaps a pathetic hand to Pearls shoulder, spilling with ‘no’s when she steps out from behind the rock, eyes searching for the nearest exit. He’s too incomplete, too weak, too scared, too empty, empty, empty he needs his gem, he has to stay, he needs-

Steven’s eyes widen at the seen that greets them. His desperate ‘please’ dies on his lips.

Everybody’s been poofed. The area is completely silent.

Across the field of grey, bright greens, reds, purples, blues, and yellows speckle the ground, shining from the fire lit sky. Garnet and Amethyst are nowhere in sight. “Pearl,” Steven rasps, searching the ground for their gems, his priorities changing instantaneously. “We need to find them.”

Pearl doesn’t respond. Shifting his eyes from the ground, Steven looked over to her grim expression. She was focused on something out across the field. Curiously, he followed her gaze to the warp pad.  
His breath hitches when he sees something (someone, he corrects himself) he hadn’t known existed until two years ago. Built up by a trail of formless crystals and developing rose bubbles, staring at Steven as if he was the only being in the universe, making him feel warm and complete and whole-

It was his gem half.  
Pink, glowing, pocketing a purple crystal that must have been Amethyst, and staring at Steven and Pearl with an intensity unrivaled by even Yellow Diamond.  
Steven felt as if a weight had been lifted from his arms, a fresh sting of relieved tears filling his eyes when he realizes that his gem half must have had Ruby and Sapphire as well.  
“They’re safe!” He grins excitedly to Pearl. “My gem- I-I have them! Now we can fuse back and-“ Steven lifts up the arm that wasn’t clinging to Pearl for support, bringing it as high as he could in a sort of wave. A warm smile splits through his face and Steven leans in the direction of his gem, an instinctive tug needing them to be closer. His gem stares back, a flicker of realization running through his mirrored features.

His gem takes a smooth step in their direction, glowing sleeve outstretched, and Steven beams at himself, pure joy fluttering in his chest and the beginnings of laughter bubbling in his stomach. He stares at his gem, wriggling in Pearls grasp to get closer.  
“Pearl,” he half laughs, half sobs, “You gotta help me out here! You’re carrying me aren’t you?” Steven twists his body in her direction, looking away from his pink counterpart to share his relief with someone who could clearly express it.  
His smile wavers when that someone looks anything but relieved.  
“Pearl? Are you alright?”  
Her gaze finally lifts from his gem, snapping itself onto Stevens face. “Steven,” She whispers tightly, sounding downright terrified. He frowns at that. She readjusts her grip. “Hold on to me.”  
He barely has time to process what she said before she’s taking off in the opposite direction.  
“Wha-“ he throws his hand back down to her body “What’s wrong?” Steven asks, his previous excitement plummeting into a boiling dread. Pearl would never run away without a good reason. That tug in his stomach seems to amplify and maybe it’s out of their shared connection, or maybe out of fear, but Steven takes a chance to look at himself. His gem self. A part of him really wishes he hadn’t.

His pink half is glaring daggers at Pearls back, a thousand wishes stated in that look alone- none of them Steven would ever willingly grant. His gem flicks his gaze over to Steven, and rather than feeling warm and welcome, he feels a burning sort of terror sizzling down his spine. If he hadn’t known any better, he might’ve thought he was betraying his other half somehow. Steven tightens his grip on Pearl, needing something to ground himself.  
His gem takes another step forward, inexplicably gaining more ground than Pearls own leaping strides. “Faster!” Steven cries, unsure as to why they were running but trusting Pearl more than he trusted his own instincts. The pink humanoids glare sharpens and Steven sort of wishes he hadn’t shouted his warning for all to hear.  
The figure was approaching too fast, too fluidly, and Steven’s words only seemed to motivate it.

Pearl’s toe digs into the ground for a split second longer than it should. One moment, Steven is clutching her body like his life depended on it (to be fair, he thought it did), and the next, she was gone, his arms flying into each other and crossing around his midsection. Pearl’s gem clatters to the ground at the same time Steven’s body makes contact with a loud grunt.  
“Pearl! Urgh- What happened? How did-“ Steven scrambles to his hands and knees, letting out a dry cough and reaching out to Pearls gem, only a couple of yards away. Unbearably slow, he crawls over, body wracking with the effort. His fingers slide against the surface of her gem and when he finally grabs it, in desperate need of a rest, he curls in on himself, puffing and hugging her close in what he hoped would be a protective manner.

“What were you _doing_?”

Steven freezes when the cold, monotone hum of his doubles voice hisses down at him. It’s familiar in bits and pieces, and entirely uncanny in others. It was as if two versions of the same voice were to fade in and out of each other, breaking up and synchronizing at random intervals. (Admittedly, he also thought his gem would be happier to see him.)  
Carefully, Steven craned his head skywards. His counterpart glared down at him, his shadowed and blank face expectant for an answer. Steven gives his gem a nervous smile, finding the situation almost laughable if it weren’t for the events that just transpired. He had _poofed_ someone. He had poofed _Pearl_.

“Um... What?” Steven fumbled with a tense laugh, disoriented from the fall.

“You _ran_ from me.” The other spoke calmly. Bitterly. Assessing Steven for an act he didn’t know he’d be criticized for. His face was blank, but his voice was venomous and eyes sharp with judgement. The gem keeps staring at Steven, and frankly, he had never felt more self-conscious in his life. “Why did you do it?”

Thoroughly uncomfortable, Steven fiddles with the gem in his hands, a hot, newfound anger slowly igniting within his core. He looks down at Pearls reduced form, working to sit himself up but shaking with the effort. He wonders how she’ll feel when she reforms, her last moving memories being of a failed attempt to save him. When he finally has his back straight, he glares at his gem.  
“So what if I ran from you?” Steven bristled, “Why did you poof her?” He spits the word like it’s dripping with poison, raising an accusatory finger up at his gem. “She was just trying to protect me! Geez-“ Steven gestured to the sparkling field behind them, “-did you have to poof _everyone_?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yeah? And you haven’t answered mine.” Steven glared. “You’re supposed to be a part of me! Why would I want to poof anyo-“

“No,” his pink half interrupts, “I’m not a part of you.”

“Seriously?” Steven gawks, looking at his gem half from head to toe and wondering how he could possibly see otherwise.

“I am new,” the gem continued, voice crackling into a calmer tone before clarifying that, “I am a new diamond.”

“Yeah? And which diamond would that be?” Steven frowned. He was half expecting his gem to break out into that same grin he’d seen two years ago. Maybe laugh off every thing he’d just done as some terrible joke. Maybe the worst of his sense of humor was strung along with his gem powers.

Instead, the gem stares at him for a minute, eyes thoughtful. “Pink Diamond.” He finally decides. Steven recoils at the name of his mother, grimacing at the other with a barely contained fury. He takes a breath and tries to be reasonable.

“You look exactly like me,” he says, “that means you’d have to have some sort of connection to me, right?”

“I do,” the gem nods vaguely. “But I’m not part of you. I am Pink Diamond and-“

With another mention of that name, Steven’s anger splits at the seams. “Seriously? After everything she did? After everything I went through- some part of me wants to be held to the same degree as _her_?”

His pink half was boring down on him again, a mix of loathing and malice passing through his features at the mention of his mother. Steven swallows as he watches him, beginning to rethink his choice of words.

“ _Of course not_ ,” his gem glowers with misplaced hatred. His voice shakes the earth, dipping itself into harsher conditions. Steven shrugs off his unease, gripping Pearl to his chest as a small form of comfort.

“Th-then why would I want to be called that?” Steven replied weakly.

“I’m not you, and I don’t. She’s gone. Refer to me as Pink.”

After a pause, Steven lets out a low groan, more to himself than his counter. “What did those guys hit you with?” He sighs. Steven makes to get up, shakily maneuvering his feet underneath him to level himself with his second half. Feeling a bit lightheaded, it’s a struggle to stay standing. “Look, something’s wrong with you. Pearl told me you were hit with something- some sort of tool or rejuvenator. Can you tell me what it looked like?”  
It’s at that moment, of course, that Steven’s legs give out. He fumbles forward with a curse, knocking against his pink half and instinctively grabbing at him with his free hand to keep from falling. To Steven’s surprise, his gem doesn’t just let him fall with a passive glance. Instead, he catches Steven, wrapping his arms around his back.  
The both of them are silent for a second, neither seeming to expect the contact. Steven is acutely aware of the warm thrum that echoes in his heart. The love he has for himself, the completeness he desires, and the strength he absolutely needs to be of any use. Based off of the way his body tenses and his grip tightens, it seems like his other mirror image is aware of it too.  
Steven doesn’t really know what to say to the sudden rush of familiarity. If last time was any indicator, he’d have already been fused by now.  
“You’re weak,” his gem states, matter of factly, breaking the silence. Immediately less content, Steven uses the familiar strength that the contact provides him with to try and push off of his doubles chest. He doesn’t have much luck.  
“Only because we need to fuse!” He huffs, stretching a determined smile across his face. “If we just-“  
“No.” Steven faltered in confusion at the blatant rejection.  
“Don’t you want to fuse?” Steven didn’t understand. They’d both been so happy the first time. They were supposed to be one in the same.

His gem takes significantly less time to think of what to say. “You’re weak. And I’m not you,” he explains, shaking his head in denial of Steven’s question. “I am Pink Diamond. If somebody were to attack you, how would I step in if you were holding me back?”  
Before Steven could retort and tell himself that _he_ would be the one to step in, his gem half’s grip becomes painfully tight, enough to leave bruises, and his face hardens.  
“Besides,” his gem continues, “I _like_ this.”

“You like... being unfused?” Steven wonders at the meaningful stare sent his direction. He glanced down at his own trembling body. “But, whats there to like about it?”

“I like looking at you.” His gem clarifies, burrowing into his eyes with his own as if to highlight that fact. Steven, of course, is the one who looks away, giving an uncomfortable cough and drawing up a plan on the spot.  
So his other half just likes looking at him? It’s a... strange desire, but Steven thinks he could make it work.  
“Well, problem solved!” He grins, confidence renewed. “Vidalia has plenty of extra mirrors! I’m sure she won’t mind if we hang a few up in-“

Steven cuts himself off with a startled jolt when his gems hands move, snaking away from his back and pushing through the front of his jacket to flatten against his ribs. Pink fingers tap experimentally at his sides and Steven’s voice feels restricted to the back of his throat. His smile withers a few degrees downwards. Despite his sudden lack in engagement, the gem is still staring at him, quietly commanding Steven’s attention with a firm press.

  
“I like _touching_ you.” It was presented as a fact. Hard and immovable to any other logic.

  
That statement was... concerning. It strangely reminded Steven of Ruby and Sapphire. A comparison, for the record, he did not enjoy thinking about.  
“Well...” he continued slowly, pointedly ignoring the hands at his sides in favor of fiddling with Pearls gem. Distantly, he tried to remember the quickest time one of the gems had ever reformed. “Maybe if I... hug myself every morning? No? Yeah, I guess that’s kind of weird... Oh! We could play Steven-Tag with Amethyst and Garnet and all of the other gems!” He tries, plastering on a stiff grin. Not to his surprise, his gem is unimpressed. Steven jerks faintly when the gem resumes tapping thoughtfully on his body, a short, voiceless breath rushing through his teeth.  
“Why would I want to do anything with them?” His gem huffs in what Steven can only guess was bemusement.  
“What do you mean? They’re your- I mean- our family!” Steven shouts suddenly, taken aback by how careless a piece of himself could be. “How can you say that?”  
His gem tilts his head to the side, as if he was genuinely confused. “Why would I stay with them, when I can stay with you?” The hands on Steven’s sides feel like fire, curling around him in a way that makes him wince with discomfort. He looks his gem in his blank, expressionless face, a sense of disbelief washing over him. Maybe he could show him why they mattered. Like how he showed Peridot and Lapis the beauty of the earth. How he shared the value of life with Bismuth. Those hopes were dashed a second later.  
“They could shatter and I might even be happier as long as-“ it’s then that Steven tears Pinks hands away from himself, absolutely seething. He takes a step back, looking at Pink as if he’d just confessed to murder.

“You-You’re insane!” Steven roars, shoving Pearl into his pocket with his harshest manageable glare. “Give me the others,” he demands, unable to stand the idea of them being stuck with this terrible version of himself for any longer. The version of himself that would be happy with them shattering if it meant they’d leave him alone.  
“Give me Amethyst, Ruby, and Sapphire. I’m taking them home. You can stay here if you hate them so much, but I’m not staying with you. We’re leaving.”

Pink stares at him, an unreadable shadow casted over his eyes. He takes a solid step forward, toe to toe with his human half, and Steven is sure he must have over stepped some sort of boundary. Taking a trembling step back, Steven flinches when a burning hand settles itself atop his left shoulder. The other is raised, level to his face.  
Before Steven could even consider telling his gem to stop, a loud crack filled the air, lonely and strikingly loud in the empty field. It echoed across bubbled gems and rang unpleasantly in the air. When Steven opens his eyes, he’s on the ground, the right side of his face feeling like it had caught fire.

“You are **not** leaving me.”

The statement is whispered like a threat. Softly spoken and unmistakably clear.

”You are _never_ leaving me.”

Steven stares up at Pink with his left eye, wiping a stray tear from his right. Pink stares right back down at him, expression just as blank and unimpressive as before. Robotic. Inhuman. The gem takes another step forward. An impossible tenseness settles between them.  
“I...” Steven chokes back on a sudden lump that’s formed in his throat. It hurts in an annoying way, but he manages to speak around it. “Okay. I won’t leave you,” Steven agrees, swallowing back his previous anger and a little something else. He couldn’t help anyone with _that_. Least of all himself. “You’ll come with me. You just can’t-“ he looks up nervously at Pink, who’s expression hadn’t changed- “You can’t poof people and you can’t shatter people. If you don’t do that, I’ll stay with you,” Steven promises.  
Pinks features soften then, hard edges melting back in exchange for relaxed acceptance. He leans over, picking Steven up in the same way Pearl had done earlier. The same way he’d been held two years ago in White Diamonds head. A cold sort of twang settles in his stomach at the memory.

“Let’s just... go home,” Steven groans softly, dragging a palm down his stinging face in frustration. “I’ll figure out what to do with you once we’re there.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, Steven struggles to eat dinner while half of his souls has been ripped out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is gonna be pretty slow, uneventful, and not as long as I’d like- the holidays kind of fucked up my schedule and my energy.   
> Promise things’ll be more eventful next chapter! I’ve got a lot planned and most of it won’t be as boring as this one.  
> Either way, had a lot of fun and hope you enjoy!

Bleakly, Steven stared down at his steaming plate of spaghetti, utterly unenthused and prickling with discomfort. The wafting smells of spiced marinara, parmesan cheese, and meatballs rose from his dish, twisting together into what would be a heavenly scent under any other circumstances. Unfortunately for Steven, raw discomfort resulted in the smell sinking and flattening just before reaching his nose. It left his mind empty and under-stimulated, and his twittering unease unsatisfied. He was left with only one option, really. 

Rather than take in the pleasant smell of home-cooked food, he would simply glue his eyes to its vibrant reds and yellows until he went blind, pinning his attention onto pretty much anything that could hold it. If that something just so happened to be his wonderful and not-at-all underwhelming plate of spaghetti that would never do him any wrong... than so be it. Steven would stare at his spaghetti. 

Really, he would rather focus on anything other than what was taking place in his own kitchen.

Which, admittedly, wasn’t that much. 

(There is the faint glimmer of Pearl, Amethyst, Ruby, and Sapphires gems on the other side of the table- but Steven swears that isn’t a problem. Not really.)

As far as the eye could see, there was no immediate conflict. No fighting. No yelling. It just so happened that the kitchen seemed like the most tortuous room in existence. At least, in Stevens opinion.

From every corner of the room, eyes seemed to cling to his every movement, breaking through his self-conservation and eating away at any sense of comfort he might have held prior. It created a dense atmosphere, definitely too intense for something as simple as eating. Really, it only served to make Steven self-conscious and more than a little apprehensive. 

With a bit of dread and an unsteady hand, Steven slowly inched his fork closer and closer to his meal, weary of the weight on his shoulder. Finally, with a soft clink, Steven broke the prongs of his fork through the spaghettis chunky, textured surface, pinning whatever was in the way to the glass beneath it. Without much interest, he dragged the utensil from side to side, watching limp noodles cling and curl around rigid edges. Any time they would begin to slip, Steven would simply twirl his fork and watch them be spun back into place, decorated with pepper and oregano, and glowing under warm kitchen light. 

It reminded Steven of dancing, oddly enough. 

The rush of thoughtless movements that he could laugh about with his family. A form of expression- of joy- to spread to the inhabitants of Little Homeworld and Beach City. To Steven, dancing was a feeling of warmth that he’d always experience when he could get closer and closer to Connie. When he could hear her laugh, carelessly, as if nothing could possibly get in the way of that moment. Dancing reminded Steven of love and laughter and unbridled energy. 

Energy- a small, aching, and absolutely unbearable voice reminded him- that he just did not have. 

Steven looked away from his spaghetti then, dropping his fork with a painfully loud clatter and ignoring something green just on the outskirts of his vision. The ‘mystery creature’ let out a gasp when he turned away from the meal altogether. Rather than acknowledge the noise or resume his oh-so-impressive task, Steven decided to contemplate his near-failure as a vegetarian. He found it harder to distract himself than he would like. 

Every single thought to enter his brain was cut in half. Strangled midway and ripped into shredded static. It was as if his mind had been scattered into a million pieces, loosely strung together into colliding collages and ropes and structures that would all burn up into nothing. Wither away into ash and fleeting smoke. It was terrible. 

In the end, Steven was left feeling utterly empty, entirely unsatisfied, and completely conscious of the fact that he had no appetite. The last thing Steven could possibly be was hungry. 

He is, however, hyperaware of a weight atop his shoulder. 

It’s a hand. Dead to the world around Steven and sizzling at the edges. He doesn’t want it there, but the thought of shaking it off almost hurts. He glances down at it, feeling sick.

The hand is.... smothering. It’s warm. It’s intrusive. It’s stable. It’s painful. It’s complete. It’s heavy. It’s- _It’s_ _ pink _ . 

Although the grip is tight and oppressive, Steven found that if he relaxed just enough, a thrum of energy would seep into his body. It’s... pleasant, in a strange way. It makes him feel just that little touch more stable. Steven feels stronger. Sharper. Focused. It reminds him, more or less, of every little thing he doesn’t have at the moment. 

An awkward cough cuts through the air, drilling into the back of Steven’s head and causing him to wince in discomfort. Slowly, he tilts his head up to meet the worried gazes of Peridot, Bismuth, and Lapis from across the table. He offers them a weak smile, realizing that he hadn’t even looked at them this entire time. 

“Guys?” His voice cracks, horribly, and his vision blanks for a fraction of a second. He blinks. He tries again. “Is everything alright?”

They looked almost stunned. Lapis’s eyes widened a degree, clearly not expecting him to speak at all, and Peridot clutched the table table so hard Steven was worried she’d break it. 

“Er... sorry about that, Schtu-ball.” Bismuth chuckled lightly at his dads nickname, an awkward hand rubbing at the back of her neck. “You seemed kind of out of it, there. We were wondering if you were actually gonna, I don’t know... eat?” 

Steven stared at her for a second, letting the rusty gears in his mind slowly click into place. His smile only stretches, sheepishly, when her words finally tie together.

“You’ve been spacing out for the last five minutes!” Peridot shouts suddenly, shooting up out of her chair and pointing an accusatory finger in his direction. Steven flinches at her forgotten volume control, cringing back when Peridot cups her hands around her mouth like a megaphone. The intrusive grip follows him, effortlessly, tightening enough to hurt in preparation for the next onslaught of nail-biting wails. “We don’t know how you’re body will act in its current condition! You could di-“

“Woah there!” Bismuth interrupts, slapping a hand over Peridots back in a quick, but pacifying manner. Fingers dig harshly into Steven’s own arm, and he does his best to relax and lessen the pressure. “Steven’s had a long day,” Bismuth explains, pacing her words and letting her tone become gentle. Her eyes flicker briefly to the _other_ gem in the room, but never get any higher than his shirt before snapping back to Peridot with a strained smile. The hold loosens, and Steven slumps back in relief. “We’re all worried, but you can’t be yelling at him over something he has no control over, alright?”

Peridot shrinks back a bit, mumbling off-handedly and glancing at the space right behind Steven’s head. He makes to follow her gaze, but the pressure on his back keeps him faced forward, not quite watching Peridots ever-changing features.Her face becomes shadowed with remorse, and her posture tightens into a rigid sort of bow.

“I’m sorry, Steven. You’re ears are surely sensitive in their current... predicament- and I forgot we were inside. Greg told me that you humans think it’s impolite to yell indoors so... Please forgive me!” Peridots clutches her hands in front of her face, eyes screwed shut and the edges of her mouth tugging downward in sincerity. 

Steven actually laughs a bit at her matter-of-fact apology, the noise grating and sharp to his own ears. “No, no, it’s alright Peridot,” he reassures her, smile widening when her posture relaxes and her eyes open hopefully. “You were just looking out for me. I shouldn’t be spacing out like this anyways,” he waves a careless hand, regretting his efforts almost immediately. “It isn’t helping anyone and it...”

Stevens thoughts slow to a stop when there’s an uncomfortable force applied to his spine. A blunt jab slowly circles the back of his neck and shoulders, pressing painfully into his skin in an effort to do.... something. 

Looking back to a frowning Peridot, Steven forces out another chuckle in an effort to diffuse his own unease. She looks at him, lips pursed and brow furrowed, and it’s clear that she’s holding something back. 

“Ah-yeah... anyways,” Steven coughs, shifting slightly to jostle pressing fingers and eyes. “I-it’s really fine! I just need some rest.” He does his best to fake a yawn, using the distraction to blink the re-emerging stars from his vision. 

“Steven,” Lapis sighs, and Steven wipes the exhaustion from his face in exchange for an attentive look in her direction, dragging the pink and pressing grip with him. “Peridot really does have a point. You know. About eating?” Lapis’s face is grim, stained with unspoken thoughts and creased with negativity. However, when she meets Steven’s gaze, the look softens a considerable amount, frown stretching into a light-hearted smile and eyes warming into a buzzing sort of melancholy. Steven feels his heart twist with something akin to guilt when she looks at him.

“I’ll be fine, Lapis,” he squirms under her gaze, a spurt of anger briefly rising in his chest when his gems hand still wouldn’t move, even for something like this. He stops himself from looking back at it, reluctant to make a scene.

“You should really eat,” Lapis urges him quietly. “We made the easiest food we could while Pearl is-“ she struggled to find the right words for a second, glancing at the table and making Steven feel sick- “... _ away _ ... but you need as much strength as you can get. At least until we can solve whatever _this_ is .” Lapis makes a grand gesture in Steven’s direction, smiling dryly as if some part of her found the situation amusing. The expression falls a moment later, and Lapis is looking at him too tenderly for his liking. “You could get seriously hurt.” 

Maybe it’s because it’s coming from Lapis of all people, but the statement makes Steven feel... pitiful. Too aware of the weight of his own arms. The dull headache he unknowingly adopted. The cooling air that drapes around him like a thick blanket. The ground that seems to slip from beneath him and that sickening, heavy, _pressure_ from besides himself. Lapis’s voice is prying at the edges of his ears, but a flash of pink cuts off his focus all together. 

Steven finds his eyes leaping sluggishly across the room, wandering from place to place until they finally land onto four glimmering gems, scattered atop the far side of the table and just out of his reach. With a small jolt, Steven found it nearly impossible to look away. 

Pearls gem caught the light in such a stunning way that- against his fumbling judgement- it drew Steven’s attention away from the wafting smell of spiced marinara, and the warm, blurry, colors and lights that speckled the room. Amethyst shone brightlya few inches away, and Steven would have given anything in that moment to hear the familiar noises of her and Pearl in the midst of a petty argument, breaking into light-hearted giggles when Amethyst would finally crack a joke Pearl couldn’t resist.

If he closes his eyes, he can pretend that Garnet is sitting beside him instead of his gem, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He wishes she was here, telling him that he would be fine. That she could handle it. 

But Steven doesn’t close his eyes, too enraptured by the way the gems sparkle like the thousands of stars outside.

In the back of his mind, he can hear the previously sharp voices of Lapis and Bismuth finally fading into peaceful murmurs. Dreamily, he wondered when Bismuth had rejoined the conversation at all. 

Steven took to admiring the rich, dark, and royal red of Ruby’s gem. Yawning, Steven thought about how well it complimented Sapphires deep, soul enlightening blue. They really were meant for each other, weren’t they?

His eyes drooped heavily with exhaustion, further pulled down by his own wandering mind. He leans sluggishly into his gems hold, thinking he can melt into, and ponders if it’d be worth it to drag himself to bed and forget himself entirely. 

“He’ll die?”

Now that- _that_ was a voice that ripped away his attention. 

Suddenly, Steven was thrown back into reality. His vision was flooded with bright pink and the previously comforting grip on his shoulder was  _ bruising _ . His breath hitched in discomfort, and his eyes were glued to a mirror image of his own. Caught entirely off guard, Steven could only shrink back unappreciatively in his chair, desperately wondering when the conversation had taken that kind of turn.

“W-well,” Peridot stammers after a minute, looking as if she’d made a grave mistake in her wording. “We don’t know that for  sure \- it’s not like Steven had ever starved or died before- b-but under his current conditions, it’s.... highly probable that he could be hurt. E-especially now that-“

“Eat.” The pink gem cuts her off, tone cold and commanding. His eyes are zeroed in onto Steven’s, and Steven doesn’t even know how to begin responding to himself. His mouth tastes bitter and his tongue doesn’t seem to want to move. 

He stares at his pink half blankly for a second, attempting to slide his gaze over to his friends as a quiet cry for help. Catching onto his movements, his pink half thrusts his other hand to Steven’s far shoulder, the contact crackling with energy and sparking with heat. The force of the movement has the chair sliding back with a loud creak, leaving Steven grinding his teeth. 

“You can’t die,” his other half growls, monotone vocals rumbling in refusal and glitching into a deeper octave. He can’t be sure, thoroughly caged into his chair, but Steven thinks he can hear his plate rattling against the table. “Eat.” 

“I mean,” Steve grounds out, a tight smile reflexively stapled to his face. “I-I’d _love_ to !” He lies. He’s painfully aware of the gems gaze; sharp and overbearing and definitely trying to bore into his own. Steven gently placed his hands against his pink half’s chest, giving a weak push. “B-but it looks like you’re standing in the way!” He laughs, squeezing out his own distress in a painful sort of wheeze. 

Steven gives his gem a hard shove when he still wouldn’t move, internally cursing the others for not doing anything by now.

It feels like minutes before Steven finally draws back, leveling his voice and conveying as much patience as humanly possible. He gives his gem a meaningful look, back chilling when he sees diamond shaped pupils. 

“Look, Pink Steven-“

“Pink Diamond.” The gem corrects, still staring at him with an all consuming sort of concentration. Maybe he’s just delirious, but Steven swears that his gems pupils glow. 

“... Yeah. Right.” Steven frowns, slouching a bit in distaste and resting in a small break of silence. He sighs in contempt, finally dragging his voice from his throat. “Look...  _ Pink _ .” He tries again, fully meeting the doubles piercing eyes. “You’re making me really... uncomfortable. When you stand there. In front of me.” Steven makes room for a shaky, tension diffusing smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. He can’t tell whether or not it works. The gem certainly doesn’t laugh. “Can you please just... I don’t know. Give me some space? To  eat ?” He presses.

The diamond stares at him, expression unreadable. Ever so slowly, Pink lets go of Steven’s shoulders, pushing the chair back into place with a smooth shove. He isn’t touching Steven anymore (which comes as a great relief, even if he feels distinctly colder) but he takes his stance directly next to him, eyes boring into the side of his face with an air of regret. 

He doesn’t look away. 

Steven gulps, shooting a minuscule shrug in the direction of Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis, who gape back at him with sick fascination. Slowly, Bismuth shakes herself out of it, a determined, steely look overtaking her confusion. She tilts her head vaguely in his direction, eyes locked on his own and silently asking if she should step in. 

Feeling sick, Steven rapidly shakes his head in response, looking pointedly at Pearl and the others. Something in Bismuths posture tightens, most likely in cold realization as to _who_ had poofed everyone, but she sits back with a solemn nod, eyes narrowed with a newfound understanding. 

Relieved, Steven turned back to his plate, nearly gagging at the rolling sort of nausea that seemed to hit him at full blast. His senses were suddenly overwhelmed with scents and blurring imagery, and he could feel himself shaking with a fresh blast of nausea. 

“Ha ha... woah,” Steven shivered more to himself than anyone else, unable to hide the stress that shone so clearly in his face. He groaned when his vision simply refused to right itself. “I did _not_ think it would be this hard ,”  Steven grimaced, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead when he stretched trembling fingers in the direction of his fork, grasping it shakily. 

Steven went to lift up the silverware, arm wracking with the effort and eyes squeezed shut with concentration, raising it inch by inch to his face. 

He hates how hishand trembles with the effort to keep it in front of his mouth. Hates how such a simple task is proving to be so difficult. That he can’t even eat without something going wrong. That he can’t even look straight in front of himself. 

Steven can almost taste it, lukewarm spaghetti and hopefully no meatballs. He opens his mouth and Steven- 

Steven-

Steven promptly drops it in his lap instead. 

“Damnit,” he hisses hotly, avoiding the stares of literally everybody in the room in favor of the fork in his lap. “Damnit, damnit damnit.”

It burns against his leg, and when he finally picks it up, dropping it on the _floor_ time, he only blinks at the gems in devastation, a bitter lump forming in his throat and a painful something burning at the back of his eyes. He feels pathetic, choking it all back before he can feel any worse. 

Bismuth does get up this time, chair creaking back obnoxiously with her movements. Her arm is outstretched and her face is uncertain, as if she wants to convince him of something she wasn’t sure of herself. 

It’s sickening. Feeble. Pitiful. Frail. Hesitant. Weak. What was the difference? 

Steven isn’t supposed to be weak. Steven isn’t _allowed_ to be weak. If he’s weak he’ll be...Steven can’t be weak.

He’s supposed to be- he has to be-

A fragile sound squeezes its way through his throat and Steven forces himself to meet Bismuths worried eyes, just to prove to her that he can do it. That he doesn’t need help. That he can be useful. That she doesn’t need to worry.

“Look, Steven,” Bismuth sighs, softly. Her gaze is swarmed with something he does  not want to acknowledge, and her arm is too large and imposing for him to meet from across the table. “You aren’t...  _ you _ , right now,” she explains, and Steven hates her for that. “You need help. I- we can’t just sit back and watch you do this to yourself...” 

Suddenly, Bismuth stops looking at him all together, eyes widening and arm retracting to settle on her neck, mouth clamped shut. Peridot and Lapis glance at each other uncertainly, looking attentively over to Steven. For a moment, he feels like he’s missing out on something. 

Then, a heavy, yet strengthening force drops itself back onto his shoulder, and Steven knows exactly what it is. A hot, buzzing sensation ripples through his body, sparking back energy and an attention span he hadn’t realized he’d lost. He can actually see for once. A pounding in his ears dies off, and Steven realized he’d never heard it in the first place.

When Steven turns his newly-focused-gaze over to his gem half, he’s surprised to find the genuinely pleased expression that enraptures his features. The diamond is staring at him with consideration, eyes thoughtful and lacking their earlier intensity. Before he knows what’s going on, Steven is staring at the end of his fork, perfectly wrapped in fresh noodles and held impossibly still. 

“You’re weak,” the diamond smiles, and it’s a small, eery thing. Steven finds that he doesn’t like looking it. Not at all. 

He leans back with rekindled energy, a resurgence of anger crackling up his spine and heating up his face. 

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Steven glowers, knowing full well that everybody is staring at him. A stiff kind of chill seeps into the right side of his body as soon as he finishes his statement. 

His gem stares at him, smile replaced with a frigid, flat, line. He settles his hand a little more forcefully onto Stevens shoulder, and his gaze becomes the smallest bit more pointed. “Eat.” He repeats, and Steven flickers his attention back to the others.

Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth are watching, clearly unsure of whether or not they should get involved. Bismuth had her hands curled into a fists, hanging stiffly at her sides. A small sheen of water shone from behind Lapis’s back, catching onto light and wobbling in place. Peridot lifts her hands, movements highlighted by the stillness that had taken up the room. She gestures to Steven to get it over with, eyes flickering to the fork in his gems hand.

Deciding that he doesn’t have much of a choice, Steven reaches for the utensil, frowning when his gem only lifts it up out of the way. Confused, he looked back to his own face.

“Can you... can you hand me the fork?” 

Steven looked quizzically at his other half, instantly feeling off-balance and too distant from the other. To stop, he plants his feet a little firmer on the ground and sits up a little straighter in the others grasp. Steven repeats his question, suddenly forgetting whether or not it had ever left his mouth. The gem is silent for a moment, as if processing his words. Slowly, his hand seems to warm the smallest amount. 

“Can you hold it?” Pink returns, flat tone curling into something almost ( almost ) humorous. It’s uncanny and sounds forced, as if he had to think about using it. It doesn’t suit his blank face or his dull eyes, and Steven hopes he never uses it again. 

As Steven processes the question, much more aware of the others hold on the fork, hot embarrassment lashes through his core. 

“I don’t need you to _feed_ me !” Steven spits, feeling nauseous with heat that finds itself pooled in his face. He throws his arm back up to the fork, cursing when he misses and drops his elbow painfully on the table. 

“W-well...” Peridot pipes up, a nervous smile accompanying her jittery tone. For once, Pink looks away from Steven, all attention placed on the gem across from him. Peridot looks taken aback for a second, gulping a bit before smoothing over her features with an air of confidence and a crooked smile. “It’s not like he hasn’t done it before, right?”

The atmosphere is thick with apprehension, Bismuth looking utterly confused and Lapis questioning Peridot with a mere cross of the arms. 

“Think of it this way,” Peridot huffs, leaning back with a newfound comfort, reveling in something familiar to her. “It’s clear that Steven isn’t quite.... meeting his standards, for lack of a better term, and I think I know why! His gem half has always been the source of his powers, and now that they’ve been separated, It’s obvious that he had some sort of role in his strength as well,” Peridot states, flexing a non-existing muscle as some sort of visual. “And since they’ve always been, in a way,  _ fused _ ... it’s kind of like you’ve always been- well- feeding each other!” She beams, a proud smile on her face. 

Steven glances over at his gem, a thick layer of discomfort settling in his stomach at Peridots explanation. 

“Um.... Right.” Bismuth grimaces, finally pulled from an awkward stupor. She turns back to Steven, offering him a sympathetic smile that in no way quells the all consuming fire in his face. Her next statement does little to change that. “If that’s the case, then should we just... leave you to it?” 

Like a switch being flipped, Pink spins around with newfound determination, fork nearly flying in Stevens directions.

“W-Wait!” Steven flails, throwing a protective hand around his mouth. Diamond eyes darken just a fraction, and the utensil stops cleanly in its tracts. His hand tightens on Stevens shoulders, and it’s all the teenager could do in the moment to not pass out from the sheer pressure and speed in which it’s applied. 

Taking in a shaky breath, Steven places a trembling hand over the duplicates. He doesn’t comment when it loosens, and a fresh wave of strength enters his body. Instead, Steven turns back to Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot. “Are you guys seriously going to  _ watch _ ?”

Peridot is more than eager to nod her head in approval, affirming the gesture with an enthusiastic “Of course!” that makes Steven feel even worse.  She’s followed by a more reluctant Bismuth, who seemed as if she was just willing to help in anyway she could. She’s looking wearily at his gem.

Thankfully, Lapis actually picks up on Stevens distress, taking a step forward with an apologetic shrug and coughing into her fist to gain the other twos attention. 

“Steven,” she gives him a playful smile that he feels like he hasn’t seen in years. Her voice is light, but it dips into deeper, more somber tones. “...as much as we all like seeing you embarrassed, we can always leave. I mean. If you want us to.”

“ _ Please _ ,” Steven groans. 

It takes a little longer than necessary and a few too many ‘I don’t think this is a good idea’s from Peridot, but eventually, Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot are gone. To his disappointment, Steven agreed to leave his family with Bismuth as well. If they reformed any time soon, she might be able to learn more about the so-called-‘rejuvenator’ used on his gem.

Steven is left alone. 

No friends. 

No Garnet. 

No Amethyst.

No Pearl. 

Just himself, his gem, and a plate of spaghetti. 

The kitchen light feels too bright, and the windows too dark. In that moment, Steven would do anything to finally get to bed. To forget this day ever happened and put an end to the ceaseless buzzing in his mind. To deafening white-noise.

Steven sighs, slouching in his seat, and turns to face his gem. Steven lets his eyes droop with exhaustion, and he can’t quite focus on the fork in the diamonds hand. Slowly, he opens his mouth. “Well?” He mutters, too sick to humor any more back and forth. 

The diamond hums in approval, fork finally-  _ finally _ \- making contact with Stevens mouth. The noodles are cold at this point, and Steven doesn’t even bother trying to taste them. He shuts his eyes in fatigue and finds it exceptionally easy to ignore how exactly it is that he’s being given his food. 

It wouldn’t be the first time he’d been fed by a gem, and he’s sure it wouldn’t be the last. But Steven is too tired to question it, and when the meal is done, he actually smiles when he’s carried to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tries to get to sleep, and shit like this is never simple for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is really short and really uneventful. Honestly, you can skip it. Thankfully, my schedule is pretty clear as of now with everything going on, so I hope to get more work in! 
> 
> WARNING: to those with anxiety and/or depression, I’m not sure how close to home this is gonna be for some of you- but please take heed!   
> Nothing happens physically, but Steven has something sort of like a nightmare that might be reminiscent of dissociation and depression, and something similar to a panic attack. Although I’ve been writing this for so long I can barely process it anymore, I’d like to play it safe with a warning.   
> If you find something to be too intense, feel free to skip this chapter- nothing happens in it anyways.

Well... Steven smiles when he sees his bed. Actually getting into it is another story. Steven stares up at his gem, a discomforting wash of emotions sloshing around in his brain like a clogged sink. From the safety of his own bed, swaddled in cool, heavy blankets that work to seep the fever from his body- Steven finds himself at an utter loss for what to tell his gem, one leg resting next to his own, and the other still planted on the ground. There’s a cool hand on his forehead and another at his neck, pulling the blankets into place. The gems face is just as blank as ever as it looms over him, eyes hardened by a singular question.

“You’re... sleeping next to me?” Steven asks, voice laced with a kind of disappointment he hadn’t planned on including. His gem is silent for a moment, and Steven begins to focus on other things.

“Of course I am,” the diamond states, tone just as flat and factual as ever. “Your body is weak. You need me.” Steven briefly considers telling the gem that, no, he really _didn’t_ need him- but he finds himself too tired to actually care for it. He sits quietly for a moment, tense and feeling oddly vulnerable beneath a mirrored stare. There’s still a painful throb in his shoulder, and he wonders about the last time he had left an injury unattended for so long. Slowly, Steven shifts his body beneath his gems hold, turning away to face the wall. A cool hand presses against his cheek, and Steven tries not to think about pulling it off.

“Alright,” he finally sighs, curling in on himself and working to make his position as comfortable as possible. He closes his eyes, hugging clumps of blanket in his arms and refusing to turn back around. “I don’t have it in me to really talk about this right now, so- just-“ he squeezes his eyes a little tighter, cringing a bit at the headache it causes and forcing himself to relax further into his bed, “j-just... I don’t know,” he sighs. “Get in.”

It doesn’t take long before the hand pulls away and Steven hears the distinct rustling of fabric. There’s a sudden tightness in the blanket that wasn’t there before, and Steven knows his gem had taken his words to heart. He notes, somewhere in that thickly fogged mind of his, that there isn’t a dip, creak, or pit made in the bed. It serves to remind Steven of his gems march in White Diamonds head; body entirely separate from the ground, yet shattering the floor with every step. Connie’s arms, he remembers, had been tugging and pulling at him at the same time, strength built from fear and desperation alone. With another guilty jab, Steven thinks of Pearl, clinging to him like his life depended on it.

Cautiously, Steven moves to peak over his shoulder. The gems face is still, eyes cold, and a solid, flat color-scheme of pink contrasting drastically with the room, the light manifestation unaffected by moonlit windows or shadow casting panes. Steven swallows back a lump in his throat, slowly turning back to face the wall as freezing needles prickle up and down his spine and claws prod at his stomach. “...Do you even need a blanket?”

Eventually, a heavy sensation finds its way into his eyes, and a vague story about Dogcopter and Lion clings to the edges of his mind. The dream had about a seventy percent chance of going horribly wrong, but Steven would be lying if he said he wasn’t used to that by now. Maybe pink fur would take an unnatural curl and rise with the smell of roses. Maybe dull claws would stretch into razor black nails, and the sun would settle and twist into a cold, searching gaze. His legs might melt in a pit of lava, and a piercing tool would stab through his center. He might drown in the middle of nowhere. Suffocate in space. Get cut, tased, beaten... Steven had his fair share of bets. Despite all of that, he still lets his thoughts wander further and further away from the body beside himself. To his surprise, for the first time in months, he lost track of them entirely.

There’s silence for a while, and Steven lets grains of restlessness slip between his fingers like sand at the beach. His body, he discovers, is too weak to move either way. It trembles, shakes, and shudders with each passing minute, waves of fever rolling from the surface of his skin and seeping into his clothes. He notices, with faint discomfort, that it felt like every atom in his body had begun to vibrate. His head is full of mist, curling in on itself, and twisting like the beginning of a painting. It was speckled with black and white, creeping forward and backwards in a manner familiar in ways Steven couldn’t exactly place.

It was as if the specks were trying to create some kind of imagery, attempting to convey some sort of message that Steven simply failed to grasp. It all accumulated into a mass of heavy, grey, blundering, waves. They rammed against his heart, flooded his throat, and drowned out his mind. Steven wondered, not quite able to panic, why his chest burned so badly.

The more he questioned, the more those questions were torn apart, ripped into thin strands and threads that grappled and stretched for one another in an effort to complete themselves. Steven thought, in a shredded haze, that maybe those specked strings were smooth like silk, or slimy like a ribbon of seaweed. When he reached out to touch them, they felt like rough wire.

Just as it occurred to him to tie them together himself, the sharp buzzing in the back of Steven’s mind amplified, disintegrating ribbons and melting them down into an ugly display of webs and specks and specks and dots and static static static.

They jumped, all at once, accompanied by a deafening thud, as if they were stationed atop a giant drum. It clogged Stevens ears, and he wondered how much of the white noise must have gotten in through the sea.

The sea.

When had there been a sea?

Another thud. Another bounce. His chest burned. Another thud. Another bounce. Steven could feel the mess as it was rejected by the very plain it stood on. Another bounce. He felt it flinch. Another thud. He felt it die. Another bounce. His mind swam. Another thud. Another thud. Another thud. Another thud thud thud thud-thud-thud-thud thudthudthudthud-

It _hurt._

Suddenly, Steven was able to tie together one clear thought. It really fucking hurt. Static stacked, collided, and melted together, growing and growing with every hellish drum-beat, climbing like a living tower, or a hand reaching up up up for help help help before coming undone and-

It finally hit Steven that he might die. For some incomprehensible, otherworldly reason, he was going to _die_.

In an act of pure instinct, Steven panics. He throws his chest into the air, uncaring of the lighting bolt that shatters the not-quite imagery of his mind because he’s going to die he’s going to die he’s going to-

Steven heaves.

His heart pounds heavily, so heavily he thinks his chest is going to crack. Crack and rip and rot and mold and crumble and disintegrate because there was nothing holding it together. It was like he was falling apart.

He couldn’t see the darkened room as it rammed in and out of his focus. He could only squeeze his eyes shut with a blundering headache and groan, gasp, and heave with his efforts not to lose any remaining oxygen. He never questions when he had tore open his eyes. No air in. No air out. No air in. No air out. His ears were stabbed, over and over, mind whipped with thundering drum beats and melting into mush. Steven was going to die. His skin burned. He was going to die. His limbs felt broken. He was going to _die_. He’s going to die die die die and he could feel his body as it began to melt and difuse and-

Steven is swept away from a mindless semi-consciousness with an abrupt quiet.

His heart finally slows, his lungs don’t quite burn (but they heave and shudder, heave and shudder out of his control), his vision only slightly swims, and his blanket is missing, replaced with a sheen of cold sweat and a buzzing arm. The arm, he feels, is unsteady.

“P-Pink?” Steven gasps, voice breaking. There’s no response, but Steven feels his body as it’s shifted ever so slightly, pulled inwards by a shaking grasp. The arm vibrates for minute, the pink limb occasionally spiking like a glitched screen. It’s unpleasant against his own body, but it keeps him steady. “Pink?” Steven tries again, and his voice is distant. He feels oddly detached from his body, now that he thinks about it. From his swimming mind. From his darkened room, even. The only thing he can feel is the fuzzy contact of his gem. He can only feel his gem, and he sort of thinks that might be a good thing. Steven places a clammy hand over the arm, not really thinking about when it stops buzzing almost immediately.

Slowly, another arm reaches around Stevens middle, and he doesn’t protest when he’s pulled into a tight hug. His breath shudders, and his vision doesn’t exactly focus on the wall opposite of himself. His heart still aches in his rib cage, and his eyes burn with, obviously, the effort to keep them open. Still, Steven doesn’t try to go back to sleep, fingers twitching restlessly with the need to feel. To feel.... something. He only feels his gem, in fluttery, sparking, waves. Steven realized, with a bit of a start, that his gem must have been experiencing the same thing.

“C-c-can’t...” the diamond rumbles, sounding like a broken radio, and Steven doesn’t have the energy to jump in surprise. “C-can’t... survive...” The body connected to his back is buzzing, and Steven almost forgets to breath, watching in a dazed amazement as his vision focuses, and the blanket becomes a noticeable presence. He pauses for a moment, swallowing a couple times before forcing his breath into a wheezy, “What do you mean?” that sounds muffled and dead to his own ears. He knows the answer, he’s pretty sure, but Steven can’t really think of anything else to say. He gulps down a painful lump in his throat, and leans a little more comfortably into the others body. The spiking energy smoothes over ever so slightly.

“You need me,” the diamond explains, and Steven sighs, because he can hardly hear the gem, and he doesn’t really care to humor anything that’s happened in the last twenty four hours.

“Right,” he mumbles instead, pulling away ever so slightly. The hold tightens in what was either an instinctive or forceful motion, and Steven is quick to sink back into it before his ribs were given the same treatment as his shoulder. For whatever reason, he knows that he would have curled back in no matter what the other did or didn’t do. At this point, he wasn’t so sure which one of them was trembling. “You, uh, really believe in that don’t you?” Steven laughs, somewhat breathlessly, and his voice wavers heavily.

“... yes.” Steven’s fingers twitch again, and he curls in on himself with a sort of speed he surprises himself with. Faintly, he can feel the other body shift, hands trailing back from his stomach before encircling his arms instead.

They lay like that for a while, the gem wrapped around Steven in a shaky embrace, occasionally flickering like a dying light bulb. The longer they lay there, and the more his surroundings come into focus, the sicker Steven feels, still trembling, and still feeling as if he could disintegrate at any moment. His fingers still feel restless, climbing up into his hair and clinging there. He tugs once or twice, whenever his consciousness threatens to slip through his fingers like... like... grains of sand, at the beach.

Rather than going back to sleep, Steven focuses on the wall opposite of him, just as he’d done earlier that night, mind empty, vision blurry, and heart slowing more and more by the second. At one point in his daze, Steven becomes faintly aware of his own harsh breathing. It sounds rough, and gross, and weak in a way he hadn’t really acknowledged since the last time he’d gone out in the woods, coming across an abandoned bird nest, scattered with broken shells and lathered in stringy yolk. If he remembers it right, there had been the crooked body of an un-hatched chick, lifeless, and alone. Steven tugs his hair a little more forward, hoping the action would quiet his thoughts. It doesn’t, of course, but he tries.

“Steven,” a monotone, echoing, fuzzy voice mumbles, and Steven doesn’t even begin to process the sudden wrongness he feels when the gem says his name. The freezing, sick crawl of something foreign and dangerous. No, he doesn’t think. Steven focuses on feeling the sudden fingers on his face, bright pink and swiping at tears he didn’t realize had fallen. “With me...” his gem mumbles, and Steven feels the pressure of something next to his ear. It isn’t soft or warm or cold or anything, really. Just... present. “Steven... stay with me... with me... you will be safe... with me...” The gem’s words borderline on incoherent, and Steven only sighs, tired eyes searching shakily for the time on his old cookie cat clock, which stares emptily from the other side of the room. He was tired. Really fucking tired.

But this wouldn’t be the first time he couldn’t get any sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! While I have a plan for how this fic is going to play out and end- the content and length of each chapter is pretty lost on me. I’m a new writer- so please be patient and feel free to drop off critiques and feedback!   
> In case I haven’t stated it yet, I absolutely love reading your guy’s comments.
> 
> Again, sorry for this underwhelming update. 
> 
> (On another note, I’m pleasantly surprised that so many people don’t seem to want to burn me at the stake for the tags alone.)


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